(fwd) New Languages
Programmers keep coming up with new languages all the time. Euphoria
is just one of the latest. This mid-eighties APL SIG newsletter item
was recently reposted to rec.humor.funny.reruns. Sometimes I think I
should switch to SIMPLE. 
-Warren
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Languages NOT included in the Commercial Language SIG
or the Languages and Tools SIG
by
Doug Bohrer
Bohrer and Company
Near Chicago
and
Ted A. Bear
NCA Corporation
In the heart of Silicon Valley
and
A Usually Reliable Source
Digital Equipment Corporation
Somewhere in New England
APL, BASIC, COBOL, FORTRAN, PASCAL, RPG... these programming
languages
are well known and (more or less) loved throughout the computer
industry. There are numerous other languages, however, that are less
well known yet still have ardent devotees. In fact, these little
known
languages generally have the most fanatic admirers. For those who
wish
to know more about these obscure languages -- and why they are obscure
-- we present the following catalogue.
C-
This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C-
is
best described as a "low-level" programming language. In general, the
language requires more C- statements than machine code instructions to
execute a given task. In this respect it is very similar to COBOL.
DOGO
Developed at MIOT (Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training).
DOGO
heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include
SIT, HEEL, STAY, PLAY_DEAD and ROLL_OVER. An innovative feature of
DOGO is "puppy graphics," a small cocker spaniel that occasionally
leaves deposits as it travels across the screen.
=46IFTH
=46IFTH is a precise mathematical language in which the data types refer
to quantities. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT and JIGGER
to
=46IFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER MAGNUM, and BLOTTO.
Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET,
GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, CANADIAN, COORS, BUD, EVERCLEAR
and WHAT_EVERS_AROUND.
The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
financial status of its user. Commands in the ELITE dialect include
VSOP, LAFITE and WAITERS_RECOMMENDATION. The GUTTER dialect commands
include THUNDERBIRD, RIPPLE and HOUSE_RED. The GUTTER dialect is a
particular favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using
this language.
LAIDBACK
This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative
to
the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and
Perrier.
Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a
gentle
and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower
case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the
message: "I hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can
you find the time to try it again?"
LITHP
This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence
of
an "S" in its character set. Programmers and users must substitute
"TH." LITHP is said to be useful prothething litht. This language
was
developed in San Francisco.
REAGAN
This language was also developed in California, but is now widely used
in Washington D.C. It is the current subset of the international
bureaucratic language known as DOUBLESPEAK. Commands include
REVENUE_ENHANCEMENT, STOCKMAN, CAP_WEINBERGER, MALCOMB_BALDRIDGE,
CABINET, CHOP_WOOD, LAXALT and SCENERIO. WATT and BURFORD have been
removed from the commands while there is a current effort to add
MEESE.
The operating system used is NEW_RIGHT and the designated memory is
THE_RANCH. The compile SCENERIO is a compile with NANCY followed by a
link with BONZO resulting in a SNOOZE. COMMIES (program bugs) are
removed with the GRENADA command.
A REAGAN program commences with LANDSLIDE and terminates with
SENILITY.
RENE
Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The
language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics
and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A
spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city
of
ours."
The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have
almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside
the organization say that each time the machine fails to think it
ceases to exist.
SATRE
Named after the late existential philosopher, SATRE is an extremely
unstructured language. Statements in SATRE have no purpose; they just
are. Thus SATRE programs are left to define their own functions.
SATRE
programmers tend to be boring and depressing and are no fun at
parties.
SIMPLE
SIMPLE is the acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming
Linguistic Environment. This language, developed at Hanover College
for Technological Misfists, was designed to make it impossible to
write
code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to
BEGIN, END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you
can't make a syntax error.
SLOBOL
SLOBOL is best know for the speed, or the lack of it, of the compiler.
Although may compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
compile, the SLOBOL compiler allows you to travel to Columbia to pick
the coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
compile.
VALGOL
=46rom its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando
Valley, VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
industry.
VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL and Y*KNOW. Variables are
assigned with the =3DLIKE and +TOTALLY operators. Other operators
include the California Booleans, AX and NOWAY. Repetitions of code
are
handled in FOR - SURE loops.
Here is a sample program:
LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
IF PIZZA =3DLIKE BITCHEN AND
GUY =3DLIKE TUBULAR AND
VALLEY GIRL =3DLIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2
THEN
FOR I=3DLIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
DO*WAH - (DITTY**2)
BARF(I)=3DTOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
SURE
LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
REALLY
LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
IM*SURE
GOTO THE MALL
VALGOL is characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For
example,
when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
message:
GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!
--
=46rom the RHF archives as selected by Brad Templeton, Maddi Hausmann
and
Jim Griffith. This newsgroup posts former jokes from the newsgroup
rec.humor.funny. Visit http://comedy.clari.net/rhf to browse the RHF
pages
and archives on the web.
Take care in replying to postings in this group -- most were submitted
years ago.
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