Travis Responds to Dialectic Discourse
Howdy y'all:
Look, I can't help it if y'all can't speak English! (Can't pronounced to
rhyme with "paint.")
Alright, I'll give you a few simple grammatical rules for Redneck 101.
Rule #1: NO single word can have less the three syllables. For instance,
the word hairball: although in Standard English this word has two syllables,
it is properly pronounced Hay-er-baall, which CLEARLY has three syllables.
Rule #2: Any word which has less than three syllables is a phrase
compressed using the special Redneck compression algorithm. Take for
instance the phrase "Do you want to?" According to Standard English, this
phrase contains 4 words, each with one syllable. However, when properly
compressed, it is one word with two syllables: "yohn-to".
This compression can get even better. "Gee, that was quite an outstanding
performance" becomes "YEEEHHAH!" One word, two syllables, not bad. Let's
see you do *that* with Huffman compression!
Rule #3: NEVER, EVER, try to speak Redneck fast, like the northern US
dialects. You'll end up sounding like Boomhauser on "King of the Hill."
Like a fine wine, it's designed to be sipped, not gulped. (Hence the need
for the Redneck compression algorithm, so that we can get a thought out
before the next one hits.)
To George Henry: actually, there is a pronounced difference between Texas
and southeastern dialects. I can easily tell when folks are from Georgia,
Alabama, Florida, etc., because they sound so different. Because I live in
the Panhandle, my accent is closer to that of Oklahoma and southern Kansas
(Reba MacEntire's accent). As for the Yankees, a lot of times I've got to
have them write down what they're saying to understand it. My sister moved
to Rhode Island last year, and already ... well, I don't want to talk about
it!
Tony: John Wayne was from Iowa. Whole different accent. (My beautiful
wife and soulmate is from Northern Iowa, and she still gets funny looks from
people.) And the "Beverly Hillbillies" are from Tennessee. Although
intertwined historically, the dialects have diverged quite a bit. That, and
I've only run over possums, never put them in a stew. I'm sure that
Australia's got its own regional dialects. Derek, being in Melbourne, you
could tell if Mr. X was from Darwin, couldn't you? And don't worry, Tony,
I've watched the "Crocodile Dundee" movies plenty enough times to understand
you! :->
Mike Hurley: Yah, ya'betcha, don't cha know? Ah goodness, Helga left my
Lutefisk in de car all night. Dat's gonta smell, don't cha know?
(Got good friends in Moorhead, MN.)
Point taken though, and I'll attempt to do a little better job at
translation.
Happy Hunting, God Bless and Blessed Be,
Merry Christmas/Channukah/Winter Solstice/<insert holiday here>
Travis Beaty
Claude, Texas
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